Every weekend I get told how unwanted I am. How much of a waste of space I am, how I contribute nothing worthwhile to the universe and am constantly reminded that I should probably just kill myself- or fuck off. Apparently it would make everyone’s lives so much better, at least according to X. sadly his propaganda is so heavily repeated that my son not only believes it, he too repeats it.
‘Fuck off mum!’
‘Why don’t you just leave?’
‘We don’t want you. Nobody wants you. Just go away.’
Funny thing though is that they do actually need me. If there isn’t food in the cupboard it’s me that’s responsible, it’s me that gets yelled at. If the clothes aren’t washed, the rent’s not paid – well it’s me that is responsible.
If it weren’t for me X couldn’t go to work, our son couldn’t go to school, the dog wouldn’t get fed and life would just grind to a halt. But I’m useless, pointless and a complete waste of space and air.
I get screamed at for smoking even though he sits next to me and smokes. I get yelled at if he wants to eat something we are out of. It feels like if an excuse to abuse me can be found it will be found and fully exploited.
I’ve stayed living with this guy because he did the right thing by me. I got pregnant when I was 17. Something I chose to do without his permission – I quit taking the pill but didn’t tell him. By the time I discovered I was pregnant we had separated, the idea of not telling him certainly crossed my mind, but for reasons far too long to explain I decided I had to let him know. I told him I was pregnant but that he didn’t need to hang around. If he walked away I wouldn’t follow him, I would do it all on my own and not ask anything from him. But if he chose to stay, it meant he had to stay.
It is because he chose to stay, and for the most part at least tried to do a good job that I’ve always felt to guilty to walk away.
I don’t want to live with an ex partner. I don’t want to be around someone who hates me this much – but I’ve always said that I’ve stayed because my hatred for him was nowhere close to the amount of love I have for my son. So staying here and keeping the muddled up family together has always been my top priority. But I don’t want to be here any more. I don’t want to be around him any more. And I don’t want to be constantly reminded of how hated I am.
I’m scared, I’m confused, I’m balling my eyes out and feeling both my heart and soul being torn apart – but fuck if I know what to do. I want to run, to hurt, to destroy myself in one way or another (dont worry not going to go killing myself). I just want to curl up in a ball somewhere where I am safe n sound and do all I can to forget that my life’s falling apart.
I do NOT want to be here. Anywhere but here.
I’m really regretting not leaving and following my heart when I had the chance.
B says
That really has to suck. I don’t know how you put up with it. You certainly are a strong woman to have put up with it for this long.
Screaming Violet says
Sometimes I think it’s because I’m weak rather than strong.
But really it’s because I love my son far more than I hate X. It isn’t decision that many people can understand (I mean living with an ex not putting up with his shit), but after the way I grew up there is no way I could ever walk out on my boy. Not even if he begs and screams at me to. I may however just go take a break for a few days – I think the person who brought the hurricane through my house owes me a couple of nights free board 🙂
Fae Teardrop says
You still have the chance, there’s always the chance… I hate to see that you’re in so much pain, you don’t deserve it
I wish there was more I could say and more that I could do…it’s hard when we’re so far apart… just know that both J and I are here for you
xx Fae
Screaming Violet says
I know you are sweetheart, I know you are.
Pour some honey on him whilst he’s asleep – that will put a smile on my face 😛 – still trying to come up with a new devious and dastardly plan
Fae Teardrop says
oh, and I thought you might want to know that I mentioned you in a post today, before you posted your one, http://faeteardrop.wordpress.com/2011/02/06/potential-pitfalls-of-a-unconventional-relationship/
Arthur & Annabelle says
I’m not sure what to say… that’s terrible. I wish I had some great advice, but I’m at a loss. I hope you work it out, because nobody should have to go through that.
– Arthur
Gina says
You don’t know me from a hole in the ground, but I read your post and am so sorry you are going through this. NO ONE has the right to abuse you and make you feel like this. You may feel obligated somehow to this man, but you don’t pay a debt with being abused, physically, verbally, or any other way. You are a human being and should be treated with dignity and respect. You may think that you are doing your son a favor by staying in this situation, but he is only learning to live by what he sees. If he sees someone treating someone abusively, it may very well be what he will consider to be the norm in his life. You should do whatever you can to stop this cycle. I BEG you to please call the domestic abuse hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) and speak with someone. You can’t dwell on the past and beat yourself up over what you think you could or should have done, but you can move forward from here because there’s a great life waiting for you. I know how hard this will be (I was abused by a family member as a child for over 12 years, I pressed charges, lived in a couple of shelters, went through court, saw him go to jail, etc…). So TRUST me when I say things do get better. If you need to speak to someone without any judgements, please contact me, but please please contact the number above so they can help you out.
Screaming Violet says
Hi Gina,
Thanks for your comments.
I’ve been there done that. In fact it was at the courthouse for an AVO hearing that I told him I was pregnant, sad & pathetic but apparently true (I don’t recall telling him that way but he does) I went through the years of violence and abusive crap, finally leaving and standing solely on my own two feet. It felt good, it felt great.
Currently the situation is kind of messy to say the least. Back in July Centerlink decided I am in a relationship with this man & not only withdrew my benefits but also raised a $140k+ debt against me. Forcing me into being somewhat financially reliant upon this man. If he doesn’t pay the rent, well it won’t get paid.
Thankfully he is an interstate truck driver and is only around for 24 hrs or so on weekends, but until I can get my centerlink issues resolved I’m stuck here. But I have a feeling that if I didn’t have the centerlink issue the issues I’m having with my ex/flatmate wouldn’t be anywhere near as bad as they are.
I should be going before the social security tribunal within the next six weeks and have my fingers tightly crossed. (Because Im not elegible for benefits I’m not able to apply for dept of housing or any other forms of assistance – I feel forced by the govt to stay here as the measly amount I get for child support is my only income & barely feeds my son.
It isn’t a good situation, but I can’t just throw everything I own away. If I left then he couldn’t work, the rent wouldn’t get paid and then my son and my precious dog would have no where to live. All a bit of a catch 22 – one that makes me want to blow my brains out. If I loose my appeal – well who knows what the fucj will happen.
Gina says
Australia crisis number: 13 11 14
Misfit Momma aka Missy says
So sorry you need to go through this 🙁
Harlot Overdrive says
Trust me when I tell you that it is NOT in your son’s best interest to have you stay with X. It can be just as, if not more, damaging to a child to stay living with two parents who are unhappy/fighting/abusive/manipulative/etc.
You can get out. Promises made at age 17 are NOT forever. Be strong, but look after yourself first and foremost.
Serafina Brightside says
You should just kill him. Then you get all his money.
Screaming Violet says
There are only one or two people in this world I wouldn’t mind dying – but no matter what he does he will never be on that list. No way would I want my son to loose his dad. It’s hard enough as it is with him only seeing his dad once a week. My dad I wouldn’t mind dying, but not X – anyway we aren’t together so I wouldn’t get a cent of his money.
Michele says
Aw Violet I’m sorry you’re going through all of that 🙁 You’re not a “waste of space” and it’s obvious that you do have as much to offer the world as anyone else does. You just happen to be with the wrong (very wrong) person. I really hope that things get better for you.