I just lost the B from my FWB.

[originally Posted June4th 2010]

I’m happy for him, but am feeling seriously bummed and can’t work out why. Or rather I can’t rationalise the reason I’m feeling bummed. Perhaps because I know I can’t replace him. Because even after…like 6 months I was still sexually shy with him.

After over coming my whore #FAIL (which I was spurred to do after Wonder Whore weighed in on the situation) I ended up spending a pretty decent night with my FWB last week I’ve been dying to write about it, However I simply couldn’t bring myself to write about it without his permission. I’ve got pretty strong morals and try to have clear boundaries (at least with him I have boundaries, I won’t call him unless I’ve texted him first etc) and writing about having sex with him … Well I wouldn’t want to violate his privacy, even though he’s obviously anonymous, I’d still be scared he would see it and feel violated. Even if he never saw it I just couldn’t. I may have mentioned him, but never any of the juicy details….

So I finally send him a text message to ask if he’s be open to the idea of me writing about having sex with him. Takes him a while to respond, which is fair enough, It’s kind of a hard question to ask.

Turns out he’s open to me writing about having sex with him, but I won’t be having sex with him anymore… He went and got himself a girlfriend! I’m really happy for him, yet I’m bummed. But Can’t figure out why I’m bummed, or at least rationalise Why I feel bummed.

I believe in open relationships, Even if we were more than friends I wouldn’t have had an issue with him having sex with others. I’m not jealous. But I’m bummed… Why The Fuck am I so bummed When I’m so happy for him?

He’s a great guy, I don’t have the ability to be in a real relationship with anyone, so why do I feel so fucking down?

I guess I’m not as great as I thought I was, in the sense of detaching my heart from sex. Yet I didn’t want to pursue a relationship with him, I simply wanted to fuck him senseless. Perhaps it’s because he ended it rather than me? Am I really that shallow? Or is it because I regret holding back and not fully exploring the things I wanted to. I really, really wanted to feel him blow down my throat and anal… I wanted to have anal with him. (If I could have anal with him I could have anal with anyone.)

I seriously do #FAIL when it comes to being a whore. I will get around to writing about that night, along with the many others, but I just can’t do it right now. I can’t write about having great sex with him whilst I’m still grieving for that sex.

Perhaps I’m so bummed because in the past when mates have met new girlfriends, the new girlfriends get jealous and are threatened by their boyfriends having female friends. If that happened I think I really would be crushed.

Anyway I’m going to go hide under my doonah watch the Amazing Race and get the fuck over it.

I wish they had craigslist for the area I live in, I need a new B!

Violet xx