coming back online!
A short pause turned into a bit of a break, then the break turned into a hiatus which evolved into a complete tweeting, blogging, and total internet outage, One that has gone on for so much longer than it ever should have. I never consciously decided to take a break from blogging, I LOVE blogging, it keeps me sane but one thing after another has kept me away from my beloved blog.
It all began with computer issues – my ex put his fist through the screen of my laptop and busted up my usb port so I couldn’t connect to the internet with my mobile broadband stick. Then Internet issues – in this dumb town you have the choice of telstra, telstra or telstra if you want to get hard-wired internet access and with telstra being telstra it’s been a fucking nightmare! And then add in a few stressful life events, my ongoing battle with depression, a herniated disc, a lack of sex and a serious case of self-doubt, It should be of no surprise that things began to spiral out of control from there and before I knew it I completely lost my mojo. No matter how much I missed blogging and being part of our little internet community, without my mojo, my computer and an internet connection nothing happened.
I feel as though I should be working on about 10 or so different reviews, coming back and showing that I’m back to my old blogging self rather than simply proclaiming it – I seriously loathe “I’m back to blogging” posts such as this because they are most often the last post on the blog. Its author intended to return, wanted to return even but they just couldn’t make that happen. For this very reason I wanted to have some posts ready to go just in case I trip up on my path back to blogging – but I feel I need to attend to some of my issues first so that I truly can return and regain my mojo for good. It also feels weird to just start posting reviews and such without ever explaining where the hell I’ve been.
I am passionate about sex toys and just sex in general and always felt like I had hundreds of things to say on these subjects, that was until I started doubting myself, this led to comparing myself, my blog, my reviews even to those around me that I look up to and admire. Every single time I compared myself to such esteemed bloggers as Dangerous Lilly or Epiphora, Mistress Kay, Bean Fiddler and another dozen or so sex toy reviewers and bloggers I hold in high regard, I always came up short… a lot short. I don’t have the journalistic skills and invigorating passion to research and write the highly informative and enjoyable articles Dangerous Lilly regularly posts, I don’t have the highly unique voice of Epiphora nor the ability to keep up with a blogging workhorse such as Mistress Kay who is constantly writing new reviews . Every time I turned on twitter or logged into Facebook and saw what everyone else was doing it set off a barrage of negativity.
Whenever I saw something someone else had done I would start making such comparisons. Always viewing myself in negative terms it is of no surprise that torrential amounts of self-doubt started to build up, its inherit negativity flooded my mind – I was quickly drowning in it. So every time I tried to sit down and write I got so overwhelmed that I had to shut the lid on my computer.
Doubting my writing abilities in both quality and quantity quickly lead me into doubting my blog in itself. First it was about content; Should I just treat it like I did in the beginning – somewhat like a personal journal and if someone happens to read it, well good for them – or do I need to give it a less personal treatment and make it a much more professional style endeavor. Neither is the answer, rather just more things to doubt.
Things outside of the internet also started to chip away at me.
There were a few different things that happened but it’s actually one of the smallest things that has effected me and my blogging the most and that was finally loosing all benefits from -B. Although our official beneficial relationship had long since ended it had also continued. I didn’t get to see him all that much but the flirtatious sexual banter never stopped and when we did see each other we just seemed to pick things up from where we last left them. However last year he decided to take a leave of absence so to speak – he wasn’t going to have sex at all for 12 months…. and that took so much more away from me than I ever realized that he gave me. In all honesty I feel like he might be my muse, he inspires me to write and explore new things in ways no one else ever has, and now that his year off is over I feel so much more inspired. I’ve got no idea if that’s it, but it feels like it
With all those disjointed things combined I was left feeling empty and lost. I hid away and avoided the world whilst beating myself up mentally for letting life pass me by. I was so busy thinking about what I’m missing out on and the things that I am lacking that I let so many opportunities pass me by. It wasn’t a good place to be. I really hope I don’t get stuck there in the land of never-ending negativity again. I’m not quite sure what pulled me out of it – I’m just glad to be out!!
So now that I’ve just word vomited all of that out I’m happy to announce that I now have a super duper awesome new laptop along with super speedy home wireless1 and what feels like a whole new lease on life. I’ve got a lot to do – reviews need writing, thousands of emails need reading, blog stuff that needs updating and of course that new theme I’ve wanted for over two years needs to be created. But the important thing is that I’m back . . . finally!
- fucking Telstra [↩]