Irony

It’s kinda strange for a blogger to disappear and virtually stop posting¹ during a blog feature that they are hosting themselves. But that’s been the case with me and my Red October feature. I’ve been in and out of the hospital for the past week or so in an ironic twist I think worthy of an Alanis Morissette song!

I have both endometriosis and Poly-cystic Ovaries  – a.k.a PCOS both of which are conditions related to my uterus and their disruption of my life is linked directly to my menstrual cycle.

Without pulling out a Gynecological textbook endometriosis is the over-excited growth and displacement of endometrial tissue – the stuff that falls away from the walls of the uterus n the absence of a fertilised egg and creates the stuff periods are made of. It’s also the most common of all menstruation related conditions, one that’s caused by periods as well as being made worse and being spreadby having your periods. A real catch 22 kinda deal.

With Endometriosis the endometrial tissue lining the uterus can be far thicker than usual  it can also manage to transport itself around the body, most often sticking to the pelvic cavity, but in extreme cases (like mine) they decide to take up residence in some odd and inexplicable places. I’m talking about areas such as the bladder, the bowel and even the lungs and nose² along with other places within abdomen. Where over time it starts to act like glue, sticking the organs together. Every month, no matter what its location the endometrial tissue bleeds. The lost pieces of endometrial tissue that didnt get the memo about staying in one spot form a much smaller patch than the stuff lining the uterus, so the bleeding is minimal but the havoc and pain it wreaks is anything but minimal.

So every month when I get my period not only do I have a period that’s 4 or 5 times the volume as a normal period I also get the bleeding in those other crazy places and the agony that goes with them having fluid building up in a place it shouldn’t. Occassionally I get dealt an even heavier period that lands me in hospital, often after an embarassing fainting spell.Basically I loose too much blood and pass out – I then end up in hospital needing a blood transfusion, sometimes they just give me fluids and a shot of hormones to try and stop my period. This month though, this was a bad month.

Endometriosis itself is medical irony. The bodily function which creates it also aggravates it and makes it worsen, then the best solution is made near impossible by the existence of the condition. The best thing to do for endo as it is often called, is to fall pregnant. Only problem there is that endo leaves around 40% of those it affects infertile.

I’ve been advised on more than one occassion to tear everything out and be done with menstruation for good. The same thing that every woman in my family tree above me has done, but I just can’t do it. I can’t quite explain it as my uterus is pretty pointless these days – Still I just can’t let go of it.

I can’t let go of the very minimal possibility that I’ll want to have another baby someday. I can accept that theres a 99.9999999% chance I’ll never ever be pregnant again, I can’t however stand loosing that teeny, tiny, miniscule of hope. I can’t turn that pin hole of hope into an absolute ZERO chance I’ll ever have another baby. As pathetic as it is I want to keep that 0.0000001% chance, even if it is reliant on the odds that go with doing IVF treatments.If I ever do meet the man of my dreams and he wants kids I don’t want to have that regret kicking me in the shins

So every month, sometimes twice a month depending on the hormones excreeted by my faulty ovaries, I put up with a week long pain fest along with the fainting spells, hospital visits and the occassional blood transfusion³ as it’s my choice. I know how easily it could all go away, I’ve listened to Dr after Dr call me stupid and massochistic and tell me just how easily they could rip my trouble making reproductive organs, but it’s not going to change my mind. My girly bits are staying put.

Hmm, can you hear my frustration? This was meant to be a quick ‘We will be returning to our usual programming shortly’ style post, one that poked fun at the fact my feature about periods was disrupted by my period, but along my way my frustration and and overly emotional head decided to have a mini rant.

Thanks for reading – Red October programming will return to its intended schedule soon!

Cheers

 Violet xx

P.S whilst I’m on the subject of Endometriosis and “menstrual issues” – If you too suffer from endometriosis or any other condition that screws with your girly bits I’d love for you to speak up and join the conversation I’m trying to cultivate with Red October

1. the breast cancer info-graphic was a pre-scheduled post [↩]
2. Ok so I don’t have it in my nose – but it’s known to go there [↩]
3. Mind you I’ve only had 3 in the past 3 years [↩]

To Catch a Sexual Predator

I/dc]t’s quite rare for me to blog about or comment on current affairs, politics or news. I never watch the news, rarely listen to it and only read the paper when I’m bored, and even then I take so long to get around to writing about something that I usually forget or the topic has grown old. Last week though there was an article in the paper that made me as proud as it did sad, on a topic close to my heart, that goes to illustrate in a way point I’ve often preached about in my life.

In the UK a teenage girl was raped and last week her attacker was sent to jail because she kept her head about her to not only survive the attack but to also ensure her attacker could be prosecuted after the event. Her clever actions have helped to put this serial rapist behind bars where he belongs. News Article

After being grabbed off the streets by the man and forced into his car she took some knowledge learned from tv’s crime shows and put it to good use; pulling out a few strands of hair and stuffing them down behind the seat into a spot that would likely be missed when he cleaned the car, and making sure to leave her DNA & thus further evidence to be used against him by spitting on the seat to leave her DNA rich saliva invisibly behind. Once she was freed she also created a map of where he had taken her, a map that became key in finding her attacker – he had taken her to a disused army barracks near to where he had served whilst he was in the army.

It turns out that perhaps he had seen the same shows as he made his victims clean themselves after the attack with baby wipes, in an attempt to remove evidence. However that spit stayed on that car seat and those concealed hairs remained concealed until recovered by the police.  At the time she figured there would be an investigation and wanted to do whatever she could to assist it.

The guy, a 30 yr old soldier had attacked numerous other girls prior to this and has been called a ‘clever and cunning predator’, taking many of his victims unaware, often right near their homes in places one would consider “safe” and then force them into his car at knife-point.

Since I was a teenager I’ve loved one NIRVANA song more than all the rest because of the message that it conveys. The song ‘Rape Me‘, which is often misconstrued as a pro-rape song but rather it is in fact the absolute opposite. If it were a tale that had a moral it would basically be – If you are going to rape me there’s not much I can do about it and it’s certainly not my fault, but if you are going to do it, I’ll damn well do what I can to make sure you pay.

The girls attacked by this guy weren’t doing anything wrong, when he grabbed them their lives were at risk and he couldv’e killed them for not complying with his demands. Trying to fight him or stab him with his own knife would likely have cost them their lives, angering him could have earned her a knife in the throat. And whilst I’m certain this particular victim didn’t just  grin and bear it,  she used a level head to ensure that she  took action and fought back in a way which she could safely do to ensure he paid for what he did whilst also protecting her life.

If someone chooses you as their rape victim there isn’t much you can do to prevent it, there might be something you can do to stop it depending on the situation, but there is certainly something you can do to make sure your attacker can be caught and punished.

A piece of their hair, a scraping of their skin under your nails, their bodily fluid on your clothing, yours on theirs. It only takes a small amount of blood, saliva, semen or vaginal secretions to leave behind the unique DNA that can be traced back to the event and the parties involved.  A few hairs tucked behind a seat or a little saliva left to dry on fabric that’s associated with the attacker.

The details are also important and helpful, create a mnemonic to help you recall a number plate ((like FHD = Fuck Hes Dumb), scratch it in the dirt, write it on glass with your finger (even better with a wet finger), or type it into your phone if you can. Try and remember every details you can and try to leave as much evidence as you can. It is also important to not shower, no matter how strong your desire to do so is and quickly get yourself to a hospital so that any injuries can be taken care of and further evidence can be gathered to help catch your attacker.

Sadly there will still be times when nothing a victim does can save their lives, but if ever you find yourself in a situation such as this do everything you can in order to aid an investigation. And remember that if someone chooses you as their rape victim there isn’t much you can do to prevent it… but your actions may prevent them from being able to do it again.

If you have been sexually assaulted or raped you can contact one of these services in your area:

Australia: You can contact the NSW Rape Crisis Centre’s 24hr hot-line: 1800 424 017 (no matter which state you are in, they can direct you to local services)

US:  24hr National Sexual Assault Hot-line 1-800-656-HOPE which is run by RAIIN who also have an online hotline available

UK: Rape Crisis England and Wales 24hr hot-line: 0808 802 9999

Many more are available in other areas which you can find on google.

Violet xx

Teenagers Have Sex

Please let it be safe

Not sure if all of my blog readers know this or not but I have a child (I know gasp!!). I have a 14 year old son. A lovely, kind, annoying, cranky and hormonal 14 year old son.  He is an average kid, he gets average grades and acts just like one would expect from a kid his age. He looves footy, lives for WWE and cannot be seperated from his i pod or mobile phone.

He’s absolutely normal and average in everyway.

It’s currently school holidays down here in Australia so he is off on holidays having a ball on the Gold Coast. Theme parks, beaches, and of course girls.

Our home is what I’ve previously called a “masturbation friendly” household. If a bedroom door is closed you simply figure the person on the other side of the door is engaged in something private and you leave them to it.  If you are sitting on our lounge there’s at least 10 sex toys within a metre or two of you and often my Soraya is charging on top of the TV. Sex is not hidden in our home. It isn’t blatantly in your face (well at least in my opinion) but it is certainly a place where sex is not a taboo subject.

I have always tried to keep my son fully aware of how the human body works, what sex is and as he grows older we have begun to have discusssions that go beyond just the mechanics of it all. Part of my open door policy on things related to sex I have always ensured that there are condoms sitting available in the bathroom along with plenty of lube sachets. Free for me, my flatmate/ex, my son or even visitors to use. If someone – no matter what their age, is going to have sex I’d prefer it to be safe sex.

Anyway when my son was packing to go away I told him to throw condoms in his shower bag. His dad (the flatemate/ex) shot me the most deadly look I think I’ve ever seen.

“Excuse me? He will not be having sex!” which was later followed by “My son will NOT be having sex at 14! He will not be having sex for a very long time”

I just wanted to scream “Are you Kidding me???” Don’t you live in the same “sex isn’t a dirty word” household as me???

Whilst I’m personally around 95% certain that my son won’t be having sex (be it intercourse, oral sex or anything in between) whilst he is away, nor any time soon there is always that slim chance. There’s also a chance that one of his mates up there might decide to have sex whilst theyre on holidays. In the case that someone may choose to have sex I’d like for condoms to be available.

According to the Kinsey institute 25% of males have had sexual intercourse by the time they are 15 – so I’m not totally insane. I was having sex when I was 14, plenty of my friends – both mal & female were having sex at that young age, one was even pregnant before she turned 15.

Teenagers have sex. They often do so without protection. Some day my teenage son is going to have sex and I just want to ensure he is one of those who do use protection.

And if in the mean time between now & when he does I couldn’t care less if he uses the condoms as water bombs. I simply want him to know that they are there whenever he, or any of his friends do decide they would like to have sex.

Sticking your head in the sand won’t do anything other than earn yourself a kick in the ass you didn’t see coming. Other parents may disagree with me entirely – that’s one of the very reasons why that bathroom cupboard is always stocked!

That’s my rant for the day – thank you for reading, if yu have any feelings regarding teenagers and sex feel free to comment away.

Violet xx

F*&% You Facebook

There’s plenty of reasons for me to love facebook. It kept me in touch with family and friends after I left Sydney a few years back, it helped me re-connect with my one true love, and it even got me laid on more than one occasion. But today I’ve just had enough…

It’s been over 6 weeks since some big fat bully created a fake facebook account to imitate, intimidate and cause all round grief to my son. I have lost count of the number of times I have reported this account, as well as the numerous other friends, family and blog followers who have also done the same – thank you Missy On top of using the report/block link that’s available on this cyber bullies profile I have also reported it using a few different forms that facebook has provided for people to report their accounts getting hacked and under-age kids using the site… but nothing, the profile is still live and the trouble it’s causing just keeps intensifying.

There is no email adress that you can contact at facebook in regards to anything of this sort – simply the block/report link which obviously doesn’t work as one would think six weeks would be long enough for a human being to be able to receive one of the numerous reports about the profile, take a look at it and see that it really does violate their tos and hit delete. I wasn’t impressed when some other sex bloggers had their pages/profiles removed for displaying images of sex toys, and truly started to hate facebook after seeing the movie ‘the social network’ – god that guy is such a wanker. Now that after all this time facebook can go and get f#*%ed for all I care.

Last night sometime this bully was logged into the profile and started chatting to one of my son’s friends who didn’t realise that it wasn’t actually him. Luckily when the conversation became a bit suspicious this kid went and got his mum. She took a look at the conversation and questioned the person involved in the chat only to be told to “fuck off you big fat jew” after which more abusive bullshit was thrown at her.

Being a good, responsible parent she took screenshots of this conversation and arrived with them at the high-school first thing this morning. I’m quite sure at the time she was ready to rip my son’s head off – see this is just one of the MANY occasions I’m grateful that I live in an anti-gun society as the above mentioned comment was one of the tamer ones thrown about in that online conversation. It didn’t take long for the school principal to call my son to her office to question him about the incident, as well as another one involving a seperate student being ‘verbally’ abused and taunted via facebook chat by this bully posing as my son.

It was quickly realised that it wasn’t my son who had been causing the ‘trouble’ as such, even though the person behind it has gone that extra step and created a photo-shopped image of my son (possibly because facebook actually did pay attention to the reports about the previous image being so lewd – thanks facebook for making it worse). When I first became aware of it I reported the situation to the principle & sent her screenshots etc, so she was quick to understand and realise exactly what was going on. She spoke to the mum, her kid, and my son to smooth everything over but my son was in tears that these people had been called such awful things and that it was all done by someone pretending to be him. I got to speak to him briefly on the phone after everything had calmed down and although I offered to come and get him he chose to stay at school and not let these kids get to him.

He was ok when I picked him up after school & dropped him and some friends off at a mates place, but when he got home and didn’t have something occupying his mind he started to fall apart. Swinging wildly between heart broken and devastated to rabidly angry and aggressive – it was very hard to watch as he started to loose control of his emotions. I doubt his 14yr old hormones were helping the situation, but it was very distressing. Trying to calm him down and attempting to counsel and console him is awfully hard when there’s absolutely nothing you can do about the situation.

I’ve called the police on more than one occasion, I even argued for 20 minutes when the sergeant tried to explain to me why the police can’t do anything and what I needed to do to shut my sons account – his account not being the actual problem rather this imitation account which I don’t have any control over. I seriously do not know what to do??

My son is an emotional wreck and understandably he is fearful that another such online chat may occur and result in him being physically assaulted by someone who this bully has been abusing.  He is also frustrated that no one seems able to do ANYTHING to get it stopped.

Funnily enough right around the time this started the school had a guest speaker adress the school about facebook and cyber-bullying, in this talk the kids were told that the police have powers to take action, as do the schools. But finding a police officer who cares enough to actually look into the issue rather than trying to hide behind the privacy act – well that is a different story. My boy feels strongly that the cyber-bullying talk was one of the things that sowed the seed in this bully’s mind.

I’m not a mummy blogger and I’m not a member of the P&C, nor any other mum type cliques – so I don’t feel like I have the ability to start a snowball effect and get enough people together to actually do something about this, or even just make enough noise to network with others fighting the same issue.  I simply don’t know what to do beyond simply trying to comfort and support my child and hope that eventually facebook will take this profile down.

If only I paid more attention when someone tried to teach me how to hack things like email accounts and facebook. If only I could erase the page myself.

Bullies Suck

The other week school bullying made headlines after a kid who was being bullied “body slammed”¹ his far younger, far smaller tormentor into the ground.

If you haven’t already seen it its on youtube here. But before you watch it let me explain what happened…

the little kid – a yr 7 student was picking on the bigger yr 10 student who was trying to retreat to the school office to escape the assault. Apparently the smaller kid aka the bully was being egged on by a group of friends…. Finally the victim had enough of it and picked up the bully and slammed him into the ground which resulted in a broken leg. The bully, the victim and the person who video taped it were all suspended from the school

Most people were supportive of the kid who finally retaliated after suffering a long period of taunts and other intimidation from kids at school. Everywhere I’ve reading comments of support for him and his actions – everyone seemed happy to see the bully get fully PWNED.  I must admit I too felt proud that this kid finally stood up for himself … but at the end of the day violence isn’t the solution…. not that I know what the solution is.

When I watch it my stomach just turns. If the smaller kid had his head split open and suffered permanent damage or even worse, if he had died the retaliating victim would’ve destroyed his entire life!! (not to mention the bullies) I worry nearly everyday that my son will finally snap and do some serious damage to the kids that pick on him incessantly, or have some serious damage done to himself.

When I was in boarding school I got bullied – which truly sucked as I didn’t just have to go to school with this girl – I had to live with the bitch as well. Luckily though I never had to deal with cyber bullying… the internet didn’t even exist when I was in high school.

In my son’s case he has suffered the taunts of school bullies and the bullshit threats as well as violence – often really cheap shots, he had his i pod touch nicked out of his bag whilst waiting in the lines for the bus. Another time a student grabbed the tupperwear container from his hands and through it across the playground as though it were a frisbee – destroying the food he had cooked at school and couldn’t wait to bring home to show me… ok now I’m crying. It fucking hurts to have to send my baby out there day after day to put up with this kind of bullshit.

I want to tell him to stand up for himself and not to take their shit…but when you tell a bully to fuck off, or get lost it just acts as fuel to their fire. You ignore them and they follow you, you report it to the school and you get called a pussy… and if they happen to get disciplined they just come back at you harder. Often it results in some form of violence. He was suspended at least twice last year for standing up for himself and punching back when he got hit. I can’t say to him to hit back, I can’t go condoning violence – but I also can’t tell him to do nothing if someone starts punching him.

Thankfully this year he is thinking for himself, he has a great group of friends and the possibility of missing out on the end of year camp to the gold coast has him keeping his hands to himself… but still the bullying bullshit continues. He got punched in the Jaw just last Friday… and the child got suspended for 10 days… I worry about what will happen when those 10 days are up, will he learn a lesson or will his anger just ferment and cause another fight when he returns to school.

Thank God we have anti-gun laws in Australia, I hate to think what would happen if some of these kids… mine included got their hands on a gun.

Today I found out that over the weekend some pathetic person (possibly the kid that was suspended) has created a facebook account impersonating him. It is someone he knows as they have accessed his friends list which is only viewable by people he has added to his facebook friends. One of his school friends told him that they had received a friend request from this account – so he did the right thing and reported it to the deputy principal. Her response “Sorry there’s nothing I can do about it”.

I understand that she can’t police the internet but she could’ve called me to tell me at least. I’ve reported the account to facebook, as has my son. They are so quick to pull down other bloggers and sex toy companies profiles for exhibiting images of sex toys – I just hope they are just as quick to pull this page down.

Tomorrow morning I have to send him back there to face even more of their crap. If anything of this sort were to occur in a workplace the instigator would be fired.. out of there. And if one adult were to hit another adult – the police would be called and assault charges would be brought against the attacker… So why is it that our kids should have to put up with this kind of behaviour in what is essentially their workplace.

Please don’t think for a second that I’m one of these parents that thinks their child can do no wrong – I know my boy can be a little shit when he wants to, some days he even makes my life a living hell. He is far from perfect but he has such a great heart and a kind soul. When he says things to me like “Mum, I try and be as nice as I can to people. If someone needs help I always do whatever I can… So why do I still get treated like crap” it just breaks my heart.

Sorry for the rant, sorry it isn’t all that articulate – I’m just one pissed off and sad mumma bear that’s sick of seeing her baby getting hurt, especially knowing I have to keep sending him back into the fray day after day.

Violet xx

ps if you want to do me a favour copy & paste this link into your browser and report it to facebook using the link on the left hand side.. report it for having an inappropriate photo, or inappropriate profile information… I just want to see it gone – http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002212059615

1. its a WWE thing [↩]

The Hurricane – part 1

As Queensland braced themselves for tropical cyclone Yasi this week I had my own storm of insanity blow through my home.

I bitched and moaned on twitter and even breathed a sigh of relief when I initially thought it was over but later I realised the pause was just the eye of the storm and it continued to turn my world upside down for another day or so before blowing up north and into poor B’s lap.

Monday afternoon I got a call from this mate of mine saying he was just stopping off in town on his way down to Melbourne. Cool, excellent, hadn’t seen him for ages so headed out to meet him at the pub. But what I encountered when I met up with him really wasn’t what I had expected. Him, the huge horse like dog (It looked like Hagrid’s dog) and some head fucked space monkey of a chick who looked like she hadn’t washed her hair all year – as well as a car AND a trailer full of all kinds of crap.

I was of the understanding that he was headed to Melbourne to start filming a movie and was leaving his place, his dog and everything else at home and would fly home every few weeks or so. He was looking for someone to move into the spare room and kinda house & dog sit for him. I found this out right after discovering that B needed a place to move to, so I organised for them to meet and for him to move in and look after this mate of mines place. He was meant to leave all the furniture, white goods and the dog there for B to look after so it was a bit weird when I turned up and saw the dog.

Him and this whacked out space cadet were a bit worse for wear, drugs, alcohol or a combination of the two had them looking a bit haggard. On his hand he had this big swelling thing, it looked a bit like what you would expect a white spider bite to look after a few days :Big, red, swollen and slightly pussy. Before long I find out the truth – it’s MRSA (Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus ) a form of high infectious staph infection which he had caught from skull fucked monkey (can you tell how much I like this female??) who has had it for 3 years.

He needs to go to the hospital and get anti-biotics to treat it as does she, so we organise for them to drop the trailer at my place and put the dog into my yard so they can go to casualty and get treated. I then have to let B know so he can be careful and give the place a good clean so he doesn’t catch it himself. But just getting from point A to my house was ridiculously difficult. I drove my car, she drove theirs but failed to just follow me. I think they went around the block and the wrong way around 3 or 4 times before we finally got headed in the right direction.

Then the trailer doesn’t want to come off! So they use some spray oil etc and after half an hour of tugging and banging eventually they get it off. The huge dog goes into my backyard and the two of them head off to the hospital.

An hour or so later we realise that the dog isn’t out there – it’s escaped from my yard. Thankfully we find him just sitting beside the house next door, so we lock him back in and put the bins up against the gate to stop him forcing it open again. So he decides to jump the pretty high side fence and starts crying at the other gate as he can’t get back in. We put the dog back in the yard and sit with it til it falls asleep, sadly he didnt stay asleep long and started whimpering like a wus (kinda funny for such a big dog). We deal with the dog crying half the night whilst keeping my dog in the house to prevent them brawling. I’m starting to loose my patience as I’m getting really over-tired, but I am not a fair weather friend and will bend over backwards to help a mate. I do my best just to suck it up.

Around 11pm I get a call that they aren’t going to get seen by the doctor or have been taken off the list for not sitting in the waiting room. They tell me they will just sleep in the car out the front. I’m slightly embarrassed to make friends sleep in their car but as they have a matress in there and my dog likes to eat people it’s about all that can be done. Just hope the neighbours don’t notice.

I’m told that the plan is that in the Morning they will just get back on the road and go to see a Dr once they get to Sydney….

It’s midnight on Monday – Day #1 and the storm has barely started to show itself… stay tuned for the next instalment of this melodrama.

I’d say the Right Words

If only I knew what they were

I’d like to say the words that would hit rewind, taking things back to the way they were, back to when we were happy. Back when we could barely wait to speak, when we had to try so hard to keep our hands off of each other. Back to the time when we both felt the same. But I don’t know quite when that time was, and the words needed to rewind anything continuously escape me.

I’m well versed in biting my tongue and forgetting things others have done wrong. I could easily startover, wipe the slate clean and begin again. A fresh start, Tabula Rasa. But that won’t work unless you want it to, unless you too would be willing to forget what came before today. Wanting to go back to the beginning to ensure we did it right this time. Even if I found the right words nothing can happen if you’re not willing and, well, I don’t think you care enough to be willing.

I’d gotten myself to a great place, I was starting to let go,  finally my every thought was no longer somehow polluted with you… Then when I finally had you out of my system. When I was ready to start living my life without you, you re=opened the door. You inadvertently gave me hope again, It’s not really your fault, you didn’t lead me on. It was just that when you needed my help just happened to be a few days after I’d let go finally.

There was a moment, a small time frame where I could tell you were considering it. But before I could join you in the moment it was over. I felt that moment once before, It fueled months of heart ache, endless hours of regret, my fault not yours… but still it hurts. Knowing I want the things you want, knowing I can give you what you need, all whilst knowing that you just don’t want it from me.

Occassionally my mind will trick me into believing maybe you do want at least part of me. That maybe I just need to tell you that I’d gladly give it to you, but I know you well enough to know if you wanted it you would just ask for it.

I’ve even tried hating you, a different tactic but it too failed. I want you out of my head almost as much as I want you in my bed. If ever I do find the right words.. I hope I never know

I know this possibly isn’t the place to write this, It’s not going to add anything to my blog, and I doubt anyone wants to read it… I just needed to write it

Where I’m at

A lot goes on, But nothing happens!

I haven’t been around much lately, I wish I could say it’s because I’m off doing incredibly exciting things, but it just aint true. A whole bunch of stuff has happened but not much has changed.

I’m still trying to sort out my financial problems & the whole issue with centerlink¹, but I’d like to say a huge THANK YOU to all of you who’ve been buying sex toys via my site, especially at AdultToysCorner.com.au those commissions are keeping me from filing bankruptcy

X has been being quite a decent human being lately, He’s changed jobs 3 or 4 times lately, Keeping me very busy helping him ‘christen’ each new truck The one he has now is pretty god damn swish, It’s f’ing huge, has a swing out set of steps instead of a god damn ladder and it’s even an auto – no need to change gears, plus lots of other fancy truck stuff. But most importantly a huge, roomy, comfy bed for me.

Actually just waiting on him to get back with our boy whom he took for a run up to Brisbane before the school holidays ended.

My girls, my 2 bestest friends, a beautiful lesbian couple whom I adore in many, many ways have moved They left last week to move up to Brisbane. I miss them deeply, but know that they needed to move and start afresh if they were going to be happy.  I hope to get to go see them week after next when I’m in Brisbane. – this post is starting to have a lot to do with Brisbane.

And -B, my dear dear -B *shaking my head*, not sure what to say about him. He broke up with the girlfriend, yay for me, but things have been so G rated since then. For how ever many months that they were together the texts and chats were steaming hot & incredibly kinky… now not so.

I almost feel like his wife. In the sense that we chat and emotionally are close, when I’m up there I sleep next to him, I take care of his offspring and keep him awake with my snoring, but no fucking!! Seriously not sure where the fuck I stand with that one. I’m happy to just be the friend, Im happy to be the booty call, but I just want to know what he wants me to be. Asking him outright what he wants would be far too easy! lol.

Next week we are going to Brisbane. I saw him quickly two weeks ago and he shocked the crap out of me by asking if I wanted to stay with him at his parents place when we are up there. See what I mean by the wife BS? Maybe FWB got changed to Friends Who Baby sit whilst i wasn’t paying attention. Not that I mind being the baby sitter, his spawn rock & I possibly love them a little too much, but this baby sitter would like to fuck their father.  I have such a ball running around and playing with them, just wish he wanted to play with me.

I feel all emotionally needy, and pathetic & plain old stupid. Insecure, shy, embarrassed and a whole bunch of other things because I don’t know if  he wants those kinds of benefits. I’m far too insecure to ask him, or even touch him for fear of rejection, or awkwardness, or making him feel like he has to fuck me. I don’t know it all feels like a fucking mine filed and I don’t want to blow myself up.

I had honestly just gotten him out of my system. Every night for 9 months+ I’d gone to sleep every single night imagining fucking him, then about 6 weeks ago that all went away and I was all ready to move on and leave those sexual desires in the past. Then he goes and gets all single, and asks me to come help him and I’m right back where I fucking started.

I will spend a few nights in his bed over the weekend before we get to Brisbane, and at least 1 night (on which there won’t be kids in the house) on the way back, If that results in nothing – I’m moving on. I do have hopes for a nice hard after concert fuck, but not realistic ones.

Will let you know how it all goes, Will let you know whats up when I work out where the bloody hell I am!

Thanks for listening to my rant, off to pick up the boy from his dad, perfect timing.

Violet xox

1. If you don’t know what I’m talking about don’t worry it’s not that exciting for you [↩]

Stark Ranting Mad

Depression Traps you, takes hold of you and sucks the life out of you. I cannot imagine anyone would ever want to be affected by depression, but sadly it’s indiscriminating. You don’t get to choose whether or not to be controlled by depression, it decides if it will rule you.

Obviously you can be pro-active, you can enroll in various forms of therapy, you can take medications to help control the levels of the chemicals in your brain, yet no matter how badly you want or need to overcome depression, it is not the kind of thing that you can fully control. You can do your best to manage it, but if you suffer from depression it’s doubtful you will ever fully control it.

You cannot heal an infection through thought alone so why do people think you can overcome depression by thinking positively. It’s like telling someone with clouded vision they can see properly if they focussed correctly. Positive thought can help to overcome depression, but when you are stuck in the deepest hole of emotions where everything positive is crushed, it’s kind of next to impossible.

I’m talking from my own experiences, and they may vary greatly from that of another person with depression.

What pisses me off is when people that don’t know what it feels like to suffer from depression tell me to just get over it, If you just went and did x,y & z you wouldn’t be depressed. Even worse is when someone tries to motivate me to do something by putting me down – a tactic X seems to believe in.

He wanted me to get up, get dressed, have a shower, go shopping, come back and cook him dinner. Instead of nicely asking, he got abusive, at one point telling me how unwanted I am, how I really should do my kid a favor & kill myself, as well as lecturing me on my absolute selfishness and that I don’t deserve to be respected. I had pointed out that a) I had no money & b) because I had no money I couldn’t pay the $450 fine (which was for driving with the rear number plate missing, in a car that he drove daily, a number plate he failed to put back on the car when it fell off, a car that he forced me to drive because he took mine knowing that I had to take our son to see his parents that night!  – yes Im responsible for driving the car that day, but I do strongly believe he has partial responsibility for the fine!) that had caused my licence to get cancelled. Fuck he pissed me off. He’s fucking broken me. He now owns me, until I can find out a way to boost my income by 500% to be able to cover my share of the rent, he fucking owns me & he knows it. I swear it must get him hard.

If I didn’t already have depression, the situation alone would make me want to cut my wrists.

Needless to say after the degrading barrage of abuse I did exactly as he asked. I took him card and bought food, rebelling by basically stealing money from him so I could survive for the week, Fuck I want to scream.

I used to run away to -B’s place whenever X got to me. I miss being able to go hang out with him. Which only depresses me more.

I feel trapped, physically & emotionally, by both the current events in my life as well as by the depression that has dogged me for the past 18 years. I want out, I want out so badly, but it’s so dark I can’t see to find my way out.

I’m not big enough for anyone to start writing blog posts to attack me, but to the fuckwit doing all the victim bashing within this blogging genre – fuck you… walk a day in her shoes, or mine… and see how quickly you are crippled.

Sorry for the unintelligent rambling rant, I’m angry, in pain, can’t stop crying and can’t see my way out right now.

Violet xx

P.S. I refuse to link to the bitch that’s been ranting and commenting without invitation regarding the life & experiences of Britni – but shes the chick behind viewfromthefloor

My blog, My Body, My Camera, My Life

Since I began this blog I’ve been having so much fun. I’ve been exploring parts of myself I never really knew existed and have been doing so in ways I never would’ve. Originally my intention was to show others that not all women are porn hating prudes, Soon I discovered I really didn’t need to prove that point, as there are so many hot and horny female bloggers… I felt the point I wanted to make was already being made.

Since my blogs conception I had planned to review my latest sex toy purchase, the We Vibe2 f , but never could’ve imagined anyone would send you free toys to review. My current arrangement with AdultSexToys.com came after I entered a give away they were running. Soon I will be finished with my first batch of reviews and will be running my first Give Away, Celebrating the launch of AdultSexToys.com new website,

Becoming affiliated with any company wasn’t something I had planned on, I wanted to blog merely for the love of it, but If I’m talking all about sex toys, it’s reasonable to assume someone may wish to buy sex toys I’m discussing. And as it doesn’t cost the customer anything why not become an affiliate and get a cut from the company rather than sending them customers for free? Being an affiliate allowed me to move my blog to it’s own domain where I could dress it up in any theme I wanted to and host whatever content I wanted to in whatever way I want to… Im not too cool with conforming to rules lol.

Most importantly I started this blog to express myself, discuss what was at the time my two kinda complex sexual relationships and planned on continuing to do so, along with a mixture of weird sex facts, Porn Pics and clips, and well whatever else I found to blog about related to sex. Just like Stienbeck wrote “the dreams of mice and men often go awry” and now I’ve both lost my fwb – now simply known as -B and am not really intending to speak to X let alone fuck him anytime soon – you’ll realise why shortly.

I loved that I found WTMFI Wednesdays, I love memes, and am the queen of the over share, so it really has been an easy way to share more of my sexual self without having to work out how to structure the posts myself. It’s kind of like formspring, but organised! So many questions, so many answers. Bing, Bang, Boom, an easy post to write that truly shares my sexual self with my readers.

Then I found Wanton Wednesdays, Sapio Slut’s Scavenger Hunt & Half Nekkid Thursday. Years ago I’d made sex tapes and brought the camera into my sex life, but these three sites gave me a real excuse to both push my boundaries and become more confidant within my own skin. I never realised just what a rush it would be to flash my tits at the camera whilst out in Public. It made me feel re-born. The First time there wasn’t anyone around, but the 2^nd time was at a really busy truck stop right beside the petrol pump. It was such an overwhelming sensation of freedom. On my way home I was planning just how I could pull off taking photos at some of the other places on the scavenger hunt list.

I was very hesitant to post the pictures, I’ve never much liked the skin I exist within. I even went so far as to publish a self deprecating rant before posting the pictures because I am not happy with my body and am kind of ashamed of it. But the response of my readers and twitter friends was so supportive and encouraging that I felt like a whole new door was opening for me. I was really starting to accept myself.

My first Wanton Wednesday was just my leg in my favourite striped sock, I had planned a much much hotter, much more artistic shot, but X sucked as a photographer. Yet that didn’t matter, the response I got on my site and on twitter… yet again was fantastic.

I didn’t make it to half Nekkid Thursday, a huge bomb got dropped on my life. One that still could possibly cause even further damage. I was issued a fine for over $104,000.00 – Why? Very Basically because I share a roof one night a week with my ex partner and a Government Bureaucrat decided that means he should be financially responsible for me. I had always been upfront and 100% honest with Centrelink (Australian agency responsible for all kinds of Government Benefits) before I even moved in with this person….Which is X (He may seem or it may come across as though he was my husband, I’ve probably even called him my ex husband – because that’s what I’m used to calling him & I feel expresses the true relationship easily & succinctly.) Yes I do live with him, even if it’s one day a week, Yes I do sleep with him… but that’s none of their fucking business! And yes we share a child. So what’s the difference? He is not my husband, we are not in any kind of committed relationship other than that of parenting our son, and most importantly he isn’t, nor has he even been financially responsible for me. If it weren’t for 4 weeks that we lived together as a couple way back when I was 16 this issue wouldn’t exist.

I told X of the situation when he got home for the night on Saturday. He didn’t take it too lightly. Which I do understand. He has basically been told that he’s financially responsible for me, and therefore responsible for the $104k. A rather large, rather violent fight eventuated from this.

Why am I telling you about all of this?

Because my amazing Camera, the one that was helping to really pull me out of my shell got broken. I managed to save my laptop, but the camera was a casualty of the war.

As much as the experiences with the camera lifted me up, the sadness and depression of loosing it buries me. Stupid huh? Depressed over a camera. But it’s more than the camera, it’s that way of expressing myself and freeing myself that I’m grieving for.

Sorry for the rambling, rant like post, but I’m seriously bummed by this. I wish I could run away and hide with -B. Damn him for falling in Love. I need him to fuck my pain away.

I’ll overcome the loss of the camera, I’ll start re composing myself. I guess I’m also sad I no longer have someone to take my sexual frustrations out on, on top of the feeling that the sexual/ spiritual journey I was on has hit a roadblock with loosing X and the camera. Fuck my life’s pathetic at the moment,

Hopefully I’ll get back to the happy fun me I was when I began my blog and hopefully Ill sort this fine BS out. I don’t really want to keep living with X, but I don’t want to break my kids family up. Hard decisions lie ahead… Beware this ride may become bumpy… and not in a fun sexy way.

But I hope you’ll be seeing more of me soon

Violet xx