Depression Traps you, takes hold of you and sucks the life out of you. I cannot imagine anyone would ever want to be affected by depression, but sadly it’s indiscriminating. You don’t get to choose whether or not to be controlled by depression, it decides if it will rule you.
Obviously you can be pro-active, you can enroll in various forms of therapy, you can take medications to help control the levels of the chemicals in your brain, yet no matter how badly you want or need to overcome depression, it is not the kind of thing that you can fully control. You can do your best to manage it, but if you suffer from depression it’s doubtful you will ever fully control it.
You cannot heal an infection through thought alone so why do people think you can overcome depression by thinking positively. It’s like telling someone with clouded vision they can see properly if they focussed correctly. Positive thought can help to overcome depression, but when you are stuck in the deepest hole of emotions where everything positive is crushed, it’s kind of next to impossible.
I’m talking from my own experiences, and they may vary greatly from that of another person with depression.
What pisses me off is when people that don’t know what it feels like to suffer from depression tell me to just get over it, If you just went and did x,y & z you wouldn’t be depressed. Even worse is when someone tries to motivate me to do something by putting me down – a tactic X seems to believe in.
He wanted me to get up, get dressed, have a shower, go shopping, come back and cook him dinner. Instead of nicely asking, he got abusive, at one point telling me how unwanted I am, how I really should do my kid a favor & kill myself, as well as lecturing me on my absolute selfishness and that I don’t deserve to be respected. I had pointed out that a) I had no money & b) because I had no money I couldn’t pay the $450 fine (which was for driving with the rear number plate missing, in a car that he drove daily, a number plate he failed to put back on the car when it fell off, a car that he forced me to drive because he took mine knowing that I had to take our son to see his parents that night! – yes Im responsible for driving the car that day, but I do strongly believe he has partial responsibility for the fine!) that had caused my licence to get cancelled. Fuck he pissed me off. He’s fucking broken me. He now owns me, until I can find out a way to boost my income by 500% to be able to cover my share of the rent, he fucking owns me & he knows it. I swear it must get him hard.
If I didn’t already have depression, the situation alone would make me want to cut my wrists.
Needless to say after the degrading barrage of abuse I did exactly as he asked. I took him card and bought food, rebelling by basically stealing money from him so I could survive for the week, Fuck I want to scream.
I used to run away to -B’s place whenever X got to me. I miss being able to go hang out with him. Which only depresses me more.
I feel trapped, physically & emotionally, by both the current events in my life as well as by the depression that has dogged me for the past 18 years. I want out, I want out so badly, but it’s so dark I can’t see to find my way out.
I’m not big enough for anyone to start writing blog posts to attack me, but to the fuckwit doing all the victim bashing within this blogging genre – fuck you… walk a day in her shoes, or mine… and see how quickly you are crippled.
Sorry for the unintelligent rambling rant, I’m angry, in pain, can’t stop crying and can’t see my way out right now.
Violet xx
P.S. I refuse to link to the bitch that’s been ranting and commenting without invitation regarding the life & experiences of Britni – but shes the chick behind viewfromthefloor
Stephen Moore says
Depression is an arsehole of a illness, especially when you know what you can do to combat it but the depressed states inhibits you from doing it. That’s perhaps the most frustrating aspect of my experience with the illness. Well, there’s that and then there’s also the comfort (so to speak) of going with what you know.
Having lived with Depression of varying degrees of severity for 18 years myself I know very well how tempting it can be to just give up and succumb. Sometimes I allow myself to succumb, but then my ability to make a proper judgement of the situation is impaired by the illness. Getting better is quite a process, especially when one has lived with it for so long. Sometimes up, sometimes down.
Thankfully I’ve not had to experience the kind of ‘motivation’ X employs. I sometimes forget just how fucking awful some people can be, partly because I just don’t understand how some people can be so insensitive.
A certain phrase comes to mind: Ignorantia juris non excusat [ignorance of the law does not excuse]. And I think such a concept also applies in situations of this type of ‘motivation’, and thus one can rightly call people using such a tactic fucking arseholes. One is, of course, not limited in one’s use of such an epithet. And before I start proclaiming more of them (to put it politely) I shall leave it there.
But, if I may say one thing more: don’t apologise for (self-perceived) unintelligent rambling rants. For one thing, expressing yourself helps you deal with what you’re feeling, and release is good. And for another, it’s your blog so you can write whatever the hell you want. If the reader doesn’t like it, fuck ’em: you don’t need their permission. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt through this god-awful illness it’s that I don’t need to apologise or feel ashamed for what I think and feel. Of course, putting that into practice is another thing entirely, and I’ve managed it with varying levels of success (and failure), but I have learnt it!
adriana says
A couple of thoughts about this one. Like your other commenter said, there are so many degrees of depression. Some people respond very well to different types of therapies and thought training (perhaps those with milder depression?). I respond pretty well to CBT myself; although, I’m sure some medication would help me in my journey. My husband? Not so much. It’s likely that his current depression is exactly the reason why. Kind of a catch 22. I’ve read about various studies that indicate that chemical depression may be treated as effectively with therapy as with medication and the opposite is also true for “situational” depression and medication. Pretty interesting stuff. But let me tell you (general, you) that just because some people may be able to battle their depression with positive thinking and training their minds doesn’t mean their depression is any less shittacular than someone who can only use medication. Some people kind of make it seems like if you can just deal with your depression that you have it easy. There’s no “just” about it. Positive thinking requires a lot of time and energy and discipline and it’s an upward battle the same as any other method of healing or coping. Like most things, going that route is easier said than done.
Maybe that’s not necessarily what people mean when they tell you to think positively, but it’s what I think of. And when I tell people to think positively, that’s what I mean. And i don’t say it because I think they can do a 180 in 5 minutes or even because I think it’s easy. I know it will be hard, having been there, but I know if you can make it work for you, then you should at least try. And maybe it’s easier for me to think myself out of depression than others, for which I am grateful, but it’s only natural for people to recommend what works for them. And I cannot help but wonder if some of these people who tell you to buck up do so because they come from a similar place, because every day they fight to be positive and just because you don’t see it doesn’t mean they haven’t been there, too.
I hope I am coming off in a positive way. I certainly don’t mean to attack you. I just see things differently.
Regardless of people who have good intentions but who may not say things in the best way, your situation with X is horrible and I hope you can get out of there as soon as possible. You’re absolutely right that, that sort of treatment isn’t going to help you be mentally healthy. I also agree that it’s your blog so post it if you feel like it, if it helps. The people who don’t want to read it will stop coming anyway and the people who keep commenting are, hopefully, the people you want around.
Screaming Violet says
No way would I ever take what you’ve said in anyway negative, and I do get your point.
It was partially a knee jerk reaction to something someone else said, along with a shitty situation I’m stuck in sprinkled with a bit of PMS just for kicks!
I do get what you are saying, and when I am finding myself in a depressive slump (which tend to come every few months for no reason that I can figure out) I try to use the positive energy I have to ensure I’ve got what I need to work through it. Its times like those that show me that mine is a chemical thing – or at least it is most of the time as no situation or trauma has brought it on.
But I was just ranting and raving about me, I tend to over generalise & think everyone feels the same as I do and people saying get over it – & not in a kind or positive way, but in a demeaning – narky way..like blaming me because I can’t control the feelings that sometimes swamp me. It’s more to do with the delivery rather than the words. Being advised to try to think positively and even pointing out possible positives in what seems to be a completely negative situation are things I’ve always found helpful. It’s the criticism for not being in full control of my feelings that I get pissed at – if that makes sense