If only I knew what they were

I’d like to say the words that would hit rewind, taking things back to the way they were, back to when we were happy. Back when we could barely wait to speak, when we had to try so hard to keep our hands off of each other. Back to the time when we both felt the same. But I don’t know quite when that time was, and the words needed to rewind anything continuously escape me.

I’m well versed in biting my tongue and forgetting things others have done wrong. I could easily startover, wipe the slate clean and begin again. A fresh start, Tabula Rasa. But that won’t work unless you want it to, unless you too would be willing to forget what came before today. Wanting to go back to the beginning to ensure we did it right this time. Even if I found the right words nothing can happen if you’re not willing and, well, I don’t think you care enough to be willing.

I’d gotten myself to a great place, I was starting to let go,  finally my every thought was no longer somehow polluted with you… Then when I finally had you out of my system. When I was ready to start living my life without you, you re=opened the door. You inadvertently gave me hope again, It’s not really your fault, you didn’t lead me on. It was just that when you needed my help just happened to be a few days after I’d let go finally.

There was a moment, a small time frame where I could tell you were considering it. But before I could join you in the moment it was over. I felt that moment once before, It fueled months of heart ache, endless hours of regret, my fault not yours… but still it hurts. Knowing I want the things you want, knowing I can give you what you need, all whilst knowing that you just don’t want it from me.

Occassionally my mind will trick me into believing maybe you do want at least part of me. That maybe I just need to tell you that I’d gladly give it to you, but I know you well enough to know if you wanted it you would just ask for it.

I’ve even tried hating you, a different tactic but it too failed. I want you out of my head almost as much as I want you in my bed. If ever I do find the right words.. I hope I never know

I know this possibly isn’t the place to write this, It’s not going to add anything to my blog, and I doubt anyone wants to read it… I just needed to write it