Every weekend I get told how unwanted I am. How much of a waste of space I am, how I contribute nothing worthwhile to the universe and am constantly reminded that I should probably just kill myself- or fuck off. Apparently it would make everyone’s lives so much better, at least according to X. sadly his propaganda is so heavily repeated that my son not only believes it, he too repeats it.
‘Fuck off mum!’
‘Why don’t you just leave?’
‘We don’t want you. Nobody wants you. Just go away.’
Funny thing though is that they do actually need me. If there isn’t food in the cupboard it’s me that’s responsible, it’s me that gets yelled at. If the clothes aren’t washed, the rent’s not paid – well it’s me that is responsible.
If it weren’t for me X couldn’t go to work, our son couldn’t go to school, the dog wouldn’t get fed and life would just grind to a halt. But I’m useless, pointless and a complete waste of space and air.
I get screamed at for smoking even though he sits next to me and smokes. I get yelled at if he wants to eat something we are out of. It feels like if an excuse to abuse me can be found it will be found and fully exploited.
I’ve stayed living with this guy because he did the right thing by me. I got pregnant when I was 17. Something I chose to do without his permission – I quit taking the pill but didn’t tell him. By the time I discovered I was pregnant we had separated, the idea of not telling him certainly crossed my mind, but for reasons far too long to explain I decided I had to let him know. I told him I was pregnant but that he didn’t need to hang around. If he walked away I wouldn’t follow him, I would do it all on my own and not ask anything from him. But if he chose to stay, it meant he had to stay.
It is because he chose to stay, and for the most part at least tried to do a good job that I’ve always felt to guilty to walk away.
I don’t want to live with an ex partner. I don’t want to be around someone who hates me this much – but I’ve always said that I’ve stayed because my hatred for him was nowhere close to the amount of love I have for my son. So staying here and keeping the muddled up family together has always been my top priority. But I don’t want to be here any more. I don’t want to be around him any more. And I don’t want to be constantly reminded of how hated I am.
I’m scared, I’m confused, I’m balling my eyes out and feeling both my heart and soul being torn apart – but fuck if I know what to do. I want to run, to hurt, to destroy myself in one way or another (dont worry not going to go killing myself). I just want to curl up in a ball somewhere where I am safe n sound and do all I can to forget that my life’s falling apart.
I do NOT want to be here. Anywhere but here.
I’m really regretting not leaving and following my heart when I had the chance.